The Dance of Connections

Ever dance the tango?


For novices, it can intimidate with its seemingly complicated precision and timing that moves a couple in a graceful but formal and crisp flow around a dance floor. It only takes one lesson, however, to learn the basic steps. It takes lots of practice to become great at the tango, but only 30 or so minutes to learn enough to survive it.


Two things I know about how to make the tango look good: One, the male lead must provide a strong upper-body frame, especially with his right arm. Two, the couple takes the basic steps belly-to-belly.
If we want to succeed regardless of the external circumstances around us, we can learn a few things from the tango, because the tango is all about a creating a relationship — a connection — that achieves its objective (grace, style, pizzazz, all within a prescribed structure).


It starts with support: a strong frame. In other words, how are you supporting the people who are important to you (friends, family, co-workers, customers, etc.)? Do you give them something they can hold tightly and with confidence? Do you lead with authority and confidence? Do you move them without aggressive force or pressure?


Next, it requires closeness. You might not want to be belly-to-belly with everyone in your life, but you want to create trust and appropriate levels of transparency. You want to be approachable, even in more formal relationships. You want to connect in non-physical ways.


Creating and caring for the connections in your life prepares you for success regardless of the circumstances that come your way. I cover more of the basics for doing that in Up, Down, or Sideways, because I’ve learned that the basic steps become the foundation for a truly remarkable dance.


Do you know anybody who could benefit from “dance lessons” when it comes to making and keeping connections? How well do the people on your team interact with customers and vendors? With each other? And do you have any room for improvement?

This blog is based on content in my latest book, Up, Down, Or Sideways. It is available wherever you buy great books. Click here to learn more about the book.

Leadership Lessons: A Distinctive Point of View

I meet regularly with my friend Andy (who work for the firm that manages our finances) for updates and adjustments to strategy. One of the reasons I look forward to these meetings is that Andy always has a very distinctive and interesting point of view. He is well informed but, more importantly, he has thought carefully about the information (which is available to all) to come up with conclusions that are specific to him.

The best leaders in any profession have a distinctive point of view. That doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with them, but it does mean that you know exactly what they think and why.

Not all points of view are created equally. They range from far-fetched and nutty to sound and wise. The best points of view are always based on two things: good information and good analysis.

That means a leader is limited by the information they receive and review and the analysis they apply.

Many simply aren’t willing to do the hard work to seek out the best information and/or make time for a penetrating analysis.

There are always many things on a leader’s “to do” list, but his or her strategic necessities agenda should be relatively short, and developing a distinctive point of view should be on it.

What great leaders can you think of that had or have a distinctive point of view? And what did you learn from their perspective?

For more information and resources about developing and improving leadership in your organization, click here.

A Work Manifesto

Manifesto (def): A public declaration of policy and aims.

What follows are my views about and commitment to work based on 30+ years of being employed and being an employer. These are philosophies I subscribe to and that I desire in those I work with and encounter in the marketplace. MHS

I work because I need to and because I want to. There is satisfaction in work well done. Good work produces value and isn’t just a means to an end, but an opportunity to be a productive, contributing member of society. Work helps give life purpose and structure.

I don’t like everything about the work I do, but I understand that is the nature of work. Work often requires that we do what needs to be done as well as what we like to do. Doing great work is a choice I make; to do less cheats not just my employer and customer but myself.

Impediments to work are temporary. If my place of employment blocks my ability to be productive in an honest and ethical way, I will not sell my soul to continue working there. If my boss doesn’t understand the concept of a healthy work environment I will actively look for a different boss or organization that does. My current situation may not allow me to switch jobs or employers immediately, but I refuse to resign myself to a work life of misery. I will endure for the short term with the goal of prospering in the long term.

How I do my work makes life a heaven or hell for others. How I treat colleagues and customers makes their lives better or worse. Neutrality is a myth beacause any attempt to disengage will appear to others as indifference, and that indifference is an insult to others.

I will not actively or passively inflict pain. While the bad behavior of others might make it tempting to do so, I will choose to play by a higher standard. I will do what I can to make working with me enjoyable.

I do not control how others act, but I completely control how I act. When others act inappropriately to me, I will respond professionally but will not accept and thereby condone the inappropriate behavior. I will politely but directly address the inappropriateness.

I understand that others come to me for solutions to problems and that is what I am paid for. Therefore problems, as difficult as they can be, are not an impediment to my work but often they are my work itself.

I will take responsibility rather than place blame. If I can’t fix it, I will either live with it or leave it. There are no other rational options.  I understand there is no perfect workplace, but refuse to make where I work worse by my own apathy or lethargy. I won’t let the poor attitudes and behaviors determine my own choices. I know that I often succeed at work not because of but in spite of undesirable circumstances.

In a time when not all who truly desire work have that opportunity, I am grateful for the work I have.

If you were to summarize your views on work, what would your personal manifesto say? What would you add to what I’ve written? What would you change?


Visit http://www.marksanborn.com/ for more resources.

How Leaders Communicate Part 5: Leaders Call for Action

In my fifth and final article in the “How Leaders Communicate” series, I examine how leaders give a call for action and how 10 sentences can change the world.

10) Call for action

Scholars of Roman history say that when Cicero spoke, people marveled. When Caesar spoke, people marched.

Cicero was impressive. Caesar influenced. What was the difference?

Great messages end with a call to action.

Todd Beamer, a hero on hijacked flight United 93 September, 11, 2001 made famous the phrase “Let’s roll.” His actions, and that of his colleagues, may well have saved many lives. In the crucible of crisis, Todd clearly signaled it was time to act on the plans that had been laid.

Too many communicate without a clear call to action. Every email, phone call, voicemail, conversation or speech can and probably should conclude with a “Let’s do it” indicated: let’s move forward, take the next step, get involved, play your part, etc.

Jeff Salzman, a cofounder with Jimmy Calano of the training company CareerTrack, had an excellent technique for assuring commitment from others. Jeff suggested that when making a request, simply conclude by asking “Do I have your word on that?”

That gives people a chance to seriously consider the agreement. If they have hesitations or reluctance, it will come up at that point. Most conscientious people take giving their word very seriously.

Others tell.                     Leaders sell.

Others impress.             Leaders influence.

Others try to be heard.   Leaders try to be understood.

Others explain.              Leaders energize.

Others listen.                 Leaders hear what is being said.

Others inform.               Leaders inspire.

Others give facts.           Leaders tell stories.

Ten Sentences Can Change the World

The Gettysburg Address is one of the most memorable speeches of American history. Delivered by Abraham Lincoln at the scene of one of the civil war’s most costly battles, in only ten sentences Lincoln was able to not only encapsulate the great truths he wanted to convey, but to communicate them powerfully and memorably.

Did you know there was another speaker on the dais that day in Gettysburg? His name was Edward Everett. A senator who was considered the most skilled orator of his time, he traveled around the country addressing audiences. He was the equivalent of today’s professional speaker.

Eloquent, he was also long-winded: his speech lasted for nearly two hours. Lincoln’s ten sentences trumped Everett’s two hours.

Great leaders are not evaluated on their eloquence, but on their impact.

Your Ten Sentences

What are your ten sentences as a leader?

What are those things you hold to be deepest and most valuable?

Should you only be able to communicate ten sentences of ideas that summarize and encapsulate all that is important to you and define who you are, what would those ten sentences be?

Beware of anyone who tells you that you should be able to summarize what you are about on the back of a business card. While you might have room for a life purpose or mission statement, the depth and breadth of your life should take up more space.

If Lincoln could summarize an epoch of history in ten sentences, then with careful thought and consideration, you should be able to summarize the epoch of our own desired leadership impact.

What are your ten sentences as a leader?

In the previous articles in the “How Leaders Communicate” series, I discussed how leaders sell 9 other ways they influence. Visit http://www.marksanborn.com/ for more resources.

How Leaders Communicate Part 4: Better Stories and REAL stories

In my fourth article in the “How Leaders Communicate” series, I give you advice for telling a better story and a Real (Relevant, Energizing, Actionable, and Light) story.

8) Tell a better story

 “It is important that a leader be a good storyteller, but equally crucial that the leader embody that story in his or her life.” —Howard Gardner, a leading researcher in leadership development, Harvard University

People generally aren’t that interested in what you’ve done. They are much more interested in what you’ve learned and ultimately most interested in what they can learn from your experience.

Gardener goes on to explain, “The best storytellers are those who can tell a story that’s strange enough to get people’s attention but not so strange that the people can’t eventually make it part of their own consciousness....existential stories are very important. They tell us who we are and what we’re trying to achieve.”   

Perhaps you’ve heard the old poem that goes, “…I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day. I’d rather one would walk with me than simply point the way.”

Telling a story is good, but being the story is better. The congruency between who you are and the stories you tell as a leader create credibility. The purpose, however, isn’t to be speaker-focused, but to use personal experience and story as a bridge to build connection.

My friend, the wise Carl Hammerschlag, puts it well: “Our biology hasn't changed in the last 10,000 years; we feel the same emotions Jesus felt.  . . . We need to focus on the things that bring us together rather than the things that separate us.”

"True leadership is to first know who you are, and then to help others find their place in the story." 

                                          — John Eldredge, author and speaker

One of the best ways to help others find their place in the story is to give others the opportunity to tell their stories. When they have the chance to see it fitting into the bigger story, you build mutual respect, first because you have given them your attention to listen, and secondly because you know and understand them better.

And yet the best stories aren’t my stories or your stories—they are our stories. We share them because while the details and specifics vary, the themes we experience are so similar. Good stories resonate because they transcend time and space and the truths they convey touch us deeply.

Good stories are an important part of relationship building, of creating connection. Within organizations, you experience many of these stories together. In telling and retelling these stories leaders share their perspective and what they learned. Others look at the same story from their personal vantage point and can share additional insights. Storytelling can be an interactive process for learning and growth.

What makes stories powerful is that they happen. That’s why parables are so powerful. While they may not be factually true, they are always true philosophically and express an important concept.

As this video shows, Mark understands the importance of  using stories when presenting a message to an audience.

Great leaders tell REAL stories.

9) Tell a REAL story

To be a better leader by telling better stories, remember that great stories are REAL:

Relevant

The listener should suspect and eventually see the application of the story to the situation, and/or them personally. Relevance is a good way to engage people. When they know there is a reason to listen, they’ll give you their attention.

Energizing

Stories should buoy the spirits. They should stimulate intellectually and invigorate spirits. Being reminded of great truths through powerful stories has a way of doing that.

Actionable

What am I supposed to do? That is the question a story should directly or indirectly answer, and if the answer isn’t implicit in the story, then the storyteller should make that connection.

Light

Stories should be easy enough to be retained. Complex or convoluted stories are difficult to understand, much less recall. Good communicators know that serious medicine, like candy-flavored cough syrup, often goes down best when it is sweetened.

Good stories can be serious in intent and told humorously. Described as pain separated by time, humor can used to discuss otherwise painful experiences and failures. Appropriate humor is never told at another’s expense. Effective leaders often make themselves the brunt of the humorous story. It shows that not only do they not take themselves too seriously, but that they, too, are only human. Good storytellers take their intentions seriously but themselves lightly.

In the first 3 articles in the “How Leaders Communicate” series, I discussed how leaders sell and 7 ways they influence. In the next final article of the series, I’ll examine the tenth way leaders communicate and how ten sentences can change the world. Visit http://www.marksanborn.com/ for more resources.

How Leaders Communicate Part 3: Entertain and Feed-Forward

In my third article in the “How Leaders Communicate” series, I examine how leaders entertain to engage and provide feed-forward.

6)    Entertain to engage

Voltaire is reputed to have said that any speaking style that wasn’t boring was a good style. That’s because being boring is the unforgivable sin of communication.    

For a leader to be heard and understood, he or she must break preoccupation and grab attention, in other words, entertain. That means a leader captures and holds the attention of those being addressed.

As a young lad, I once asked then State Senator David Johnson for advice about public speaking. His words permanently affected me. He said, “Always remember that people want to be entertained. Whether you’re giving a sermon, teaching a class or giving a speech, people want to be entertained.”

You can’t bore people into positive action.

7)  Feedback and feed-forward

If Wheaties is the breakfast of champions, then feedback is the breakfast of winning communicators.

The best way to make sure another person has heard and understood what you said is to ask them to repeat it back to you in their own words. (But I advise not saying, “Now repeat it back to me in your own words” unless you want to alienate that person.) Just request a summary, and take responsibility for any lack of understanding. You could say, “I want to make sure I explained that clearly. Would you please tell me how you understand what I’ve said?”

One of the corniest stories I know is about a man driving up a mountain road in a jeep. Coming down the mountain in the other lane is a woman in a jeep. As she passes, she leans out and yells “Pig!”

The man is offended! She is calling him a name and making a judgment on his character.

As he looks back in his rearview mirror at the woman behind him, he smashes into a hog that is standing in the middle of the road.

That woman wasn’t criticizing him, but rather giving him feedback limited by time. Had circumstances allowed, she might have said, “There is a large farm animal ahead in the middle of the road—be careful!”

Such are the pitfalls of communication. When leaders don’t take time to communicate clearly, the potential for misunderstanding—and even disaster—is high.

Feedback is excellent for adjusting your message and assuring understanding, but it is “after-the-fact.” To increase the odds of future success, you can use feed forward, which provides people with the information they need to be successful before they undertake something.

Feedback provides evaluation of what has been done.

Feed forward clarifies expectations of what needs to be accomplished. It gives people the answers to the final exam in advance.

Feedback focuses on past performance.

Feed forward focuses on future performance. It talks specifically about what a successful performance will be like and enrich the description to enrich the outcome.

Feedback is remedial.

Feed forward is intended to be preventative. Rather than waiting until later to determine if you’ve communicated clearly, information is provided to prevent possible problems

In the first 2 articles in the “How Leaders Communicate” series, I discussed how leaders sell and 5 ways they influence. In the next 2 articles of the series, I’ll examine 3 more ways leaders communicate. Visit http://www.marksanborn.com/ for more resources.

How Leaders Communicate Part 2: 5 Ways Leaders Influence

Leaders Influence

Impressing someone changes what he or she thinks about you. Influencing them changes what they do because of you. Leaders care little about the impressions they make. Instead, they strive to influence others to take positive action.

Here’s how to influence every time you communicate:

1)    Start with a question

“What do I want the person I’m communicating with to think, feel and do when I’m done?”

Be clear on what you want. If there was ever a time to “begin with the end in mind,” it is when you communicate. Leaders communicate intentionally. That means that know what they want every conversation, email, phone call, or speech to accomplish. Then they design how and what they communicate to achieve it.

2)    Focus on quality, not quantity

Ever heard it said—or say it yourself—that “things would be better if we just communicated more?” Often communicating just creates more problems.

Good communication is about quality, not quantity.

3) Speak the truth with compassion

Don’t tell people what they want to hear. Tell them what they need to hear. Just make sure you tell them in such a way that they’ll listen.

Too often, out of a fear of conflict or disagreement, the partial truth is told or the message deflected away from what really needs to be said. Telling the truth in a way that minimizes conflict creates a number of benefits. It saves time, energizes the relationship, builds trust, and gets to the point.

Leaders aren’t always right, but they are clear about what they believe. In the process of expressing your unique point of view, remember that others often have a different perspective. One of the biggest obstacles to effective communication is discounting another’s point of view.

There is your view and their view, and often the best point of view lies somewhere in-between.

4) Focus on the listener, not the communicator

There are three modes of communicating. They are being:

 

Self-centered

Message-centered

Listener-centered

To be listener-centered requires that you put personal needs aside and become so familiar with the message you are trying to communicate that you can focus on and respond empathically to the listener.

Either consciously or unconsciously, as most people listen they ask themselves, “What does this mean to me?”

Good communication answers that question by making it easy for the listener to understand the message’s impact.

5) De-complicate the message

Several years ago I spoke at a one-day leadership symposium for a telecommunications company. Using PowerPoint slides, upper leadership shared 138 leadership imperatives with those assembled. I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time remembering seven-digit phone numbers.

What chance of success do you think those leaders had when they returned to their teams and said, “Good news! There are only 138 things we’ve got to do every day to succeed.”?

Leaders are boil-down artists. They de-complicate the world and make it easy to understand. De-complicating means giving context to what you’re asking another person to do. It takes her or his personal view of the world and fits it into your view of the world for the shared and the bigger view of the world at large.

The only thing people have less of today than disposable income or time is attention. With excessive demands on limited attention, effective communicators harness the power of the sound byte. They make concepts easy to understand and repeat. 


In the first part of the "How Leaders Communicate" series, I wrote about how leaders sell. In the next 3 parts in the series, I'll examine in detail 5 more ways leaders influence. Visit http://www.marksanborn.com/ for more resources.

How Leaders Communicate Part 1: Leaders Sell

Communication is the Tool, Not the Objective

A sales manager approached me after I finished speaking about leadership at his association’s meeting. His mood seemed somewhere between perplexed and provoked.

 “You talked about how leaders communicate persuasively,” he complained. “Even with the word 'persuasive' in front of it, I have a problem with ‘communication.’ I can't think of a more amorphous word than 'communication.' I told my team no more communication; their job is understanding! If the sale isn't made, there was no understanding."

He was right. Communicating isn’t the objective of a good leader. Understanding is the objective. Communication is simply the most important tool for accomplishing that.

It reminds me of the night our family went out to dinner. As we waited for our table, my wife Darla was reading the specials board out loud. “Look, boys, ‘All You Can Eat Fish.’” At that point Jack, five at the time, responded with exasperation. “Oh no!” he said, “all you can eat is fish?! I want a hamburger!.”

Over the years I’ve seen research studies that repeatedly report the problems caused by poor communication. In one, communication was cited as the cause of poor employee/follower performance 80% of the time (if you define communication broadly enough, you could say it is responsible for 100% of the problems we face).

Communicating is easy.

Communicating effectively—both understanding and being understood—is much more difficult. That is what leaders do.

Leaders Sell

People buy for three reasons. They trust who they’re buying from, they have reasons that make sense for buying, and they feel good about their decision. That’s why leaders know how to sell because everything is sold.

           

Believing that your ideas are so good they don’t have to be sold is the height of arrogance. It is ridiculous to think that if what you have to offer—ideas, products or services—is good enough, people will naturally see the light and buy them.

Still, I’ve had clients tell me that they feel selling is beneath them. Why does the word “selling” so often carry negative connotations?

Because people confuse selling with manipulation. The salesperson, they believe, is out to meet her or her goal at their expense and that salespeople want as much of money as they can get in exchange for as little of their product as they can provide (Certainly not all salespeople are scrupulous or ethical, but no profession is without a few bad apples. Just don’t judge the entire orchard by a few rotten fruits.)

To commit to the principle of selling like a leader, you need a good definition of selling.

Selling is helping people make a decision that is good for them.

If you have a good idea, product or service that can benefit the buyer, it is your responsibility to sell it. Telling about it isn’t enough.

What happens if you have a superior idea or product poorly presented? The potential buyer will go somewhere else to find the idea or product they need—and it may not be as good as yours!

Go from “telling” to “selling”

The ancient Greeks studied the principles of persuasion and explained it as three components. They are ethos, pathos and logos.

Ethos, the root of the word ethics, represents a person’s character and credibility. People feel comfortable buying from someone who is credible. They trust that person and establish a rapport, a feeling of being comfortable. The basis of all rapport is perceived similarity

The one thing a leader can always have in common with another person is his or her best interest.

When you communicate in such a way as to demonstrate that you want what is best for the other person, he or she will be drawn to you.

Leaders have people power because they recognize and appreciate the significance of others. When you communicate from the other person’s perspective, you quickly develop rapport.

Once you’ve won the trust of the listener, you’ve opened his or her mind to consider your message.  You must find a way to impact him or her with what you want them to understand, and that requires making an emotional connection.

Pathos, arouses the passions of the listener or audience. It includes the power of  MOTIVE: meaning of a person’s involvement vividly explained.

If you’ve ever taken a sales course, you’ve heard this general truism: people buy on the basis of emotion and then justify their decision with logic.

I think it is more accurate to say that all the facts and figures won’t sell someone if the person doesn’t feel good about buying. Emotional impact is key in selling ideas and gaining commitment.

Yet good decision making is seldom if ever made on emotion alone. There is another component of persuasive communication.

Most of us can recall getting engaged by the emotional only to regret the decision we made under those circumstances. We need more than emotion to buy whatever another person is selling, whether it is a product, a service or an idea.  What justifies and supports the emotion of any decision is logic.

Logos is logic, the marshaling of reason. It is usually called into play right after a person thinks, “That sounds good, but . . ..” At that point, they’re looking for reasons to support their feelings.

Some people are more persuaded by emotion, while others weigh logic more heavily.

Since leaders aren’t clairvoyant, they design their communication to include both—after, of course, they create rapport. 

In the next 4 parts in the "How Leaders Communicate" series, I'll explain the 10 ways leaders influence. Visit http://www.marksanborn.com/ for more resources.